When Haunts Attack

The Ambush
By Noah Wullkotte

One late Sunday evening I planned on touring one of the local charity haunts. Every year I visit this haunt that’s become a tradition for myself and my family. It may not have a huge budget, but it’s bone chilling in many ways and is a haunt staple in Ohio. We arrived at the haunt a little past 7 and we’re really looking forward to experiencing all of the new additions it’s added since last year.

So after about 20 minutes, we finally made it to our destination and decided to step out of the car and walk to the ticket booth. We proceeded to explain to the woman at the ticket booth that we were from City Blood and had talked to someone involved in the haunt earler in the week. She was as nice as could be and a pure pleasure to deal with. We were of course there to review this classic house of horror that thousands have enjoyed over the past 20 years. She told us that she would get someone for us to speak with.

So we patiently waited a few minutes when suddenly ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

A short pudgy woman with glasses emerged from the darkness and pounced on her prey. I was ambushed and didn’t stand a chance against the fierce lion. “You killed our haunt last year,” she yelled angrily as drool dripped from her mouth and smoke shot out of her ears. She looked like a rabid dog in heat that had just been screwed by a pit bull with rabies.

My mouth would lie wide open as it hit the ground in shock. I had no clue what she was talking about, but I quietly listened and waited for her to finish. I wouldn’t dare provoke a blood thirsty beast.

“Every year you destroy our haunt with your review,” she yelled. Last year people kept asking if this was a fun house because that’s what City Blood wrote. We don’t have the budget of larger haunts so we can’t do everything we would like, but we do a lot with what we have.

She would attack me for 10 minutes in front of a viewing audience of at least 5 people. I kept telling her how I always praise her haunt year after year and have written how it’s one of the best charity haunts in Ohio. She must have been thinking of someone else because I never put down a haunt unless they are deliberately trying to rip people off. I was visibly upset since I’ve promoted this haunt countless times throughout the years and have always praised it for its creativity and its Halloween spirit.

This might have been one of the first years I haven’t reviewed this haunt, but I knew the visitors of City Blood needed a detailed analysis of how it was. So I put my pride aside and decided to go ahead with my review. The angy lion proceeded to tell us, if you don’t give us a good review, you’re not welcome back.

I thought to myself, are you kidding me? After attacking me for 10 minutes straight with no reason at all, you are now trying to intimidate me. In all my years of reviewing haunts I’ve never experienced anything like this before, but I tried to ignore it and for the most part I did. I knew that people were expecting a detailed review and that’s what I was going to give them. So we walked the haunted halls of this classic haunt and we’re impressed for the most part.

I’m not one for confrontation and I just dreaded dealing with this woman after I exited the haunt. I knew she would have a group of cronies backing her up no matter if she was right or wrong and she was obviously wrong in how she treated us. As we exitied we could faintly see her near the concession booth and we weren’t looking forward to dealing with this disgusting human being. But we had to deal with her and we were honest in how we felt even though I wanted to put her in a headlock. She was as nice as could be and I think she even wanted to retract what she she had to say earlier in that night. Sorry, but you’re sh*t out of luck lady.

This was going to be a very interesting night to say the least. The next stop on our fun filled adventure was another local charity haunt that was roughly 20 minutes away. Thankfully, we had an incredible experience. The staff was friendly, welcoming and wanted to know how they could improve their haunt.

Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest, but my mind was racing. I couldn’t believe what had happened tonight and was totally disgusted by how one person could act. As I made it home I decided to check my emails before I wrote reviews of tonight’s haunts. To my surprise there were at least 3 messages from workers apologizing on this woman’s behalf. They didn’t want me to post the review, but it was a little too late. So I wrote the review and even mentioned how I was ambushed by one of their co-workers.

Shockingly the review was put on their website. After being put down, berated and attacked I would think they wouldn’t want to advertise how one of their co-workers treated a haunt reviewer. But I guess I was wrong. Even though the night hadn’t gone as planned, it was still enjoyable in an odd way. I’m sure I’ll hear from someone about this article, but the only way I’ll take it down is if this dastardly woman apologizes in person. The bottom line is that this grotesque troll needs to be let go because this haunt favorite will be better off without her or should I say IT.

Yours truly,